Thursday, August 23, 2018

Dark Nights




There is a certain kind of girl who cries
herself to sleep. She’s not the girl you’re thinking of – the meek, the weak, and the always helpless one. No, those girls always find comfort. It’s almost like the shoulders of love were built for those girls to cry on. Perhaps they cry from time to time like any other girl. But they never cry alone.
The girls who cry themselves to sleep are often the ones you won’t expect – their face is brave in the midst of others, they fight through every pain, and they laugh their nightmares away. But when they get home, and when the lights turn off, they listen to the loneliness of their world – a sound they have become familiar with. And they cry themselves to sleep.
It is a painful thing to feel alone in the world while also feeling like you have much to give; when you wish for nothing more than to take care of someone, and have them take care of you. But these girls have nothing but four walls to look at, nothing but four walls to love; nothing but the dark of night to keep them company. These girls are all alone in the world. And they know it.
As they go through their day you’d never suspect the demons they fight alone – thoughts of neglect, of exclusion, of never being good enough for themselves, and certainly not for anyone else. You’d suspect that the brave face that they have for the world is the same one they have for themselves. But at day’s end, that mask comes off – it has to. They need to breathe.
But they cry because they live in a world with nothing meant for them, at least not in the way things are meant for others. They cry because their tears are their only solace; it is the only way they can ask for what they really need. Their hearts are broken but without any scars, their body cold; they are untouched and unloved. They feel it in their bones.
And tonight, like every night, they will cry to themselves in the dark while counting sheep, waiting for sleep – their short death at the end of every day. And they will wonder if there is anyone in the world who will save them. Because they don’t know how much longer they can save themselves. Or if they even want to anymore.

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